On Being a Better Me (or a better you, if you can relate)

Living a life where sky-high expectations flood through my door is suffocating and draining. They suck the energy out of me. They make me want to lock myself up and just live in my 'perfect world' where no one can harm nor judge me and where I can be myself and be happy.

                Reality check, of course, my 'perfect world' would not and never will exist. The only thing to kick-start the making-my-life-better stage is to accept the said reality. And so say the articles I've read.

                That one photo of a quote in a website I have opened really struck me. "Work for a cause, not for applause. Live life to express, not to impress. Don't strive to make your presence noticed, just make your absence felt." It was everything that I wanted to be, but everything that I am not.

                Yes, I said it right, I did not say that it was everything I cannot be. I never eliminated the option that I can do it. I always wanted to be better, but who doesn't? There are many people who strive to be better than others, but I choose the path where I strive to be a better person than I was yesterday. It has a good ring to it, and is a lot better than being a competitive person that everyone will hate.

                Going back to the quote, I work/study/perform for my parents, friends, acquaintances and whatnot to appreciate and look up to me. I became a campus journalist, an academic achiever, a theatre performer, a declaimer, and an artist to express myself, garner points for extra-curricular activities, and impress others. And yes, I want people to notice what I have. Narcissistic it may seem, but that is how my life goes when I was in elementary, high school, and at times, now, in college. I wanted the people's approval, I want my parent's approval, especially my mother's.

                All my life, I was aware that I was like a mere puppet, doing what my mother wants. But I had no choice, especially when I was younger. I should be the perfect daughter and the perfect student. Unfortunately, I was never one because I make mistakes, and when I do, the barrage of nagging and insults that would run for hours and at times, days would ensue. I remember when I got a grade of 96 in my English class this semester, I was so happy. But then, my mother, after knowing my grade, shouted at me. "Bakit 96 lang? Nakakahiya ka! Ang galing-galing mo pa naman sa English tapos ganyan lang grade mo?" (Why is your grade only 96? Shame on you! That's your grade even if you were excellent in that subject?)

                That was a slap in the face yet it was just one example of how I am being ridiculed almost every day in my life. Imagine how she would appear proud of me in front of others but was lashing out at me in public. Throughout the years, I have developed what I call a 'talent'--sarcasm. It was my defense mechanism, partner it with a smile of mine and everything is set. I know, I can never live without it. I use it so that offensive people wouldn't reach me, and at times I use it for humoring people. Soon, I hope I would only us it for humor.

                So I have accepted the fact that I am really imperfect, the next step is how I handle my imperfections. On the other hand, I know that I have good characteristics that I am probably not aware of most of the time. But there are some things that I could think of that I know are good: I can make people smile (through small gestures I do for them on impulse), I inspire others through my writing and other God-given talents, I can and is always willing to give advice to those who are asking, I have glimpses and even experiences on many aspects of being a student (being in the fields of Arts, Sciences, Officership and Leadership) which enable me to help other students who are in deep pressure. Seeing that I can help others, I know that I can help myself. All I have to do is to magnify the good in me and try to change what is not-really-that-good about me.

                I am aware that most of the feelings that I have are part of being in the adolescence stage, and that is a good thing for at least I know that I should deal with them in a proper way. I have learned that self-motivation and faith are the keys to be truly better. I know that I should strive to be better and I should trust myself that I can do it. This guy named Nick Vujicic had this aura that I can never explain. It just engulfs me every time I see him on TV and in the internet. How he was able to live life like a normal human being even if he had no arms nor legs was awe-inspiring. He would never have to change anything about him at all and it just gave me that bright idea I always needed--if others can, then there wouldn't be any other valid reason that I can't! There's God, and I know that if I keep holding on to Him, everything would be possible.

                I know from the start that I am subconsciously letting go of some of the negativity in my life. What I should do is probably to intensify this act and giving in to all the positive things that I should have embraced long ago.

                I know I have had the pride that could rival a successful tycoon at times, but who am I to be like that? There have been moments when I felt like being a failure. Being humiliated, as what us teens say, sucks. It was never a good feeling. And based on my experiences, I learned how to empathize with others. I learned to try to imagine that I was in the other person's shoes before I say something hurtful. And it feels a lot better to know that people trust you because they know that you understand. Humility is definitely a lot better than pride.

                Now, regarding this 'urge' of mine to appease others, I am slowly abandoning this way of mine for the better. All I feel is just sheer bitterness and resentment when they say that I am not good enough. And it's a total transformation! I would be the 'evil witch' who hates everyone around me. But after years of when-you-say-I'm-worthless-you'd-regret-knowing-me, I have realized that I shouldn't be like that at all. Now, I often say to myself when a person insults me, "You are probably insecure of what I am now or what I have attained. Say what you want to, but at least I am happy because I know that I gave it my all and that's that. Blatherskate." After all, those who do not appreciate you do not deserve you. I know that I am way better than they think and I should stick with my own goals.

                All in all, I think the main point of all this is that I wanted to break free from all the things that constrict me from being a happy person. And I know that I should never rely on others for my happiness and success. There is just two elements in my equation of great success and becoming a better person, it's just me and God, and nothing else should matter.